I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
