I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
