I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
