i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
