The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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