Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
