The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
