WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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