Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
