my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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