wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
