I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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