I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
