first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
