I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
