You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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