my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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