all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
