you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
