Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
