To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
