I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
