I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
