On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
