I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
