I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
