My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
