dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
