So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
