I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
