My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
