I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
