I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
