Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I need to align my fucking chakras
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
