No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Mom said you looked used
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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