Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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