We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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