i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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