he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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