She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
