i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
