I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
