i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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