can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You took a bar mat shot.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize