Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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