I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
