just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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