my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
