I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
