please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
