There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This is classic penis vs brain.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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