Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Couch. On fire.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
