so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
