dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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