brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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