My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
