I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
